


Lights down the River

by Frechi



Series: #HQAngstWeek2020 [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: "I wish I'd never met you/this never happened.", Bad Thoughts, Broken Promises, Death, Eating Disorder, Funeral, Illness/Death, Little Injury, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Overlooking signs, Suicide, a bit of cursing, feeling numb, fighting a lot, little blood, very friggin mean Kags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:15:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27385549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frechi/pseuds/Frechi
Summary: It was as if the plug of your power cord wouldn't fit in any outlet."Sorry," he said and his voice wasn't moved by much emotion either, he couldn't say that he was honestly feeling so. In fact, it was so empty that it took Kageyama aback, startled by this person he suddenly felt he didn't know, a stranger sitting in his home that barely looked like his longtime flatmate, he couldn't even call him friend or partner with the way things were.It was irritating, the irritation making him angry again."Tch," he replied and despicable disbelieve was in his voice, "you always are."
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio
Series: #HQAngstWeek2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1994737
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Lights down the River

**Author's Note:**

> Day 4:  
> •Broken Promises  
> •Illness/Death  
> •"I wish I'd never met you/this never happened."
> 
> Please do not use my work for anything!

"I'm beat"  
Kageyama plumped down on the sofa, legs streched out and his ellbows rested on the backrest, letting his hands dangle while his head was in his neck, resting in the middle between his arms.  
"Maybe you're just too weak-"  
In an instant his energy was back, crushing Hinata's head with his hand.  
"Ouch," he complained.  
"Ouch! I get it, I get it!"  
He tapped against his hand.  
"I'm sorry"  
"What?"  
"I'm sorry, Kageyama-kun!"  
"You better be, dumbass"  
He let go of the orangette, leaning back against the couch again.  
"You have no idea how exhausting training is," he sighed.  
"I can imagine," Hinata replied, rubbing the pressured spot on his forhead before he threw himself on Kageyama's lap with a slam which made the Calimero head go 'Oof'.

"Oi bastard, what was that for?"  
His angry face stared down at the smaller one but he wasn't going as far as to hurt him in habit.  
"Nothing. Just that you actually get to practice."  
He sprawled out, streching himself as far as his limbs allowed him to grow.  
"So you shouldn't complain about it that much."  
He relaxed his muscles again, resting on his thighs a little longer.

It had been some time since they had graduated from Karasuno. It had been chaotic, the whole three years they had spent at this school so their graduation hadn't been an exclusion. A lot had happened between then and now, good things and less good things.  
After the third years were gone, they had started their second year. It had been a little sad to not be able to play with all the third years but the time they had spent with the second years as third years, had been just as much fun. And besides, it wasn't like they would never see each other ever again. Of course they still were in contact and all of the team, the first Hinata and Kageyama had experienced at this school, would meet up regularily, sometimes a few were missing, not able to make it as the real life had started for them as well, but the group didn't shrink.  
There also were reunions with the other two teams the both of them had played with at Karasuno. It was busy to keep up with all of them but they still managed just fine. Although it was unexpected, this chaos-duo kept their scedules pretty neat. One would have thought they would drown in huggermugger and dirt, especially when they decided to move in together, considering how they always had been, it was exceptional. But as they both focused on their future, they wanted to do it right, developing plans for chores, workouts, for their meals, who would do the shopping, they practically planned everything they could.  
It was something they had learned from the third years on one of these meetings and as they respected their opinions, they took their advice to heart. They even had been the ones suggesting that they would move in together when they came to know that they both wanted to go to the same university. Expenses also would be lower, it was a perfect match. So they began to live together.  
It didn't take long for them to get used to it. Sure, there was a lot of bickering and sometimes even heavy fighting but in the end they could always reconcile. It was not that they didn't trust each other, quiet the contrary, while they shared many moments together which they probably would have shared alone if they hadn't taken that step, their trust in each other only deepened.  
It was fun. Living together was fun. When they had stood in the kitchen the first time, trying to cook. That had been a disaster. Kageyama had scolded Hinata for burning the food while Hinata had laughed at Kageyama when he had made the eggs splatter across the whole inventory. It had been a mess and the following attempts hadn't been any more successful. But when they had achieved their first success, Kageyama had screamed through the whole apartment, Hinata rejoicing loudly, giving each other high five as if they just had scored a point. The food hadn't looked like a five stars menu but it had been good enough. They had learned the basics together so that they could feed themselves.  
When Kageyama had been accepted to his first job, Hinata instantly had tried harder and when he had been accepted, Kageyama had tossed to him the whole evening instead of congratulating him with words.  
There had been so many of these moments, so many firsts.  
There even appeared new mannerisms the deeper their trust rooted.  
It had become a habit, in all this time, to be more intimate with each other. They were no strangers. But they were also not romantically involved with each other. Yet little touches, a toussling through the hair or just simply leaning on the other when the battery was running low, were usual now. In extreme situations it would be even more. Hugging was part of it, when something terrible had happened. Just doing what being close included, how close friends behaved with one another, everyone having their own little habits.  
They were simply there for each other, whenever the other needed it, giving the necessary support. If that were words or these very hugs and bodily contact, it didn't matter. Because it worked unconditionally, unimportant with what gesture.  
That closeness, though, was only one of all the changes they went through. Like the more busier growing scedule Kageyama was following.  
He would come back only so late in the evening, eating and going to bed. All the housework was pushed on Hinata who transformed more and more into a househusband. Even on weekends he was either busy or exhausted, not much of a difference to during the week.  
Hinata understood that it was a necessity if he wanted Kageyama to succeed but on the other hand he, of course, wanted to succeed himself. He felt a little overlooked, his own goals and dreams shoved away by Kageyama and his dreams and goals. Of course it was bugging him, gnawing at his mind. He didn't know how he should address this problem he had. This was not something like then when they had their first big fight, then when Hinata wanted to open his eyes while he hit the ball, even though that was a moulding thing. Things had changed. It was different now.

"I'm not, stupid," the darkette complained in protest. If he meant it or just tried to joke, it was the trigger for something inside Hinata to crack.  
"Yes you are," he replied crossly, showing a scowl while he sat up again, facing Kageyama.  
"In the morning you complain about your muscle aches from the day before. When I text you, you just say that it's so hard before you brush me off and during dinner you yawn and tell me how dead tired you are. All you do is complain! I will never get to hear the end of it." He crossed his arms before his chest, pouting a little but by no means was it cute or anything. It was serious. And Hinata was clearly pissed off.  
Irritated Kageyama stared at him a moment. He certainly hadn't expected that. He began scowling too.  
"If you don't like it then don't listen," he answered, angered himself.  
"How am I supposed to do that? It's all you talk about."  
"Then don't ask in the first place!"

They stared at each other like maddened dogs that only waited to lunge at the other's throat.

"Forget it. You're too dumb to understand."  
Hinata was the one who wiped away the silence, standing up and just leaving. There was no reason to argue against such a thick wall this skull of this thickhead of a person was. He closed the door to his room behind his back.  
How frustrating.

Kageyama, on his side, laid back again with a deep frown marking his face.  
He hadn't wanted it to turn out like this. At all! He didn't want to fight. But he didn't want to back down either. Why couldn't Hinata understand how important this was? He was living his future now! He was living his dreams to reach his goal! Why couldn't he understand the meaning of it?  
The darkette sighed into the silence.  
"Whatever," he mumbled, more than just annoyed, and went to his own room.  
Hinata would be back to his usual self soon anyways.  
It was just a matter of time.

But the next day certainly wasn't the day.  
Kageyama was running a bit late how he did so often these days as the conversion of his scedule was exhausting him.  
He snatched an apple, hurrying to dress. He left without a word and only a big hubbub.  
While Hinata stood in the kitchen, clutching the spatula 'til his knuckles were white, staring down at the two fried eggs he had decided too late to make them. Kageyama was right with his natural expectation for him to be back only in the matter of time.  
Biting his lower lip when the darkette rushed past him, he heared the front door closing.  
Hinata didn't want to fight. It always left him feeling horrible. He felt like he failed to explain his own, that he couldn't make Kageyama understand which left him irritated which led to more confusion, leading on to bickering with words that were only rolling past the other, leading to fighting when those misunderstood words took on the form of insulting shades. It was a never-ending chain of repetition. Hinata tried to be straightforward, to not talk around the subject but address it directly. Or rather he had tried. But as these major changes had entered his life, his character had changed too, just so little.

He chewed profusely on his lower lip now, spatula still clutching in his by now gone cold hand. He turned off the cooker. Putting on music, the earphones in his ears so that he wouldn't have to listen to the sounds, he quickly changed into his training clothes, grabbing his keys and putting them into the little pocket with his phone after he had locked the door. He took off running, keeping himself fit for something he needed to achieve, the music shut out the noise, distracting his suffering mind. And finally he could let go of this feeling a little bit.

Pushing himself as far as he could, he had taken breaks of course. For hours he had sat in the park and had done some thinking. This philosophical side of him was new as well. But he gladly thought about these things that were not fitting his personality. He was older now. He couldn't leave his easy dreams so simple. He had to think about what he would do afterwards. How should his whole life continue?  
There was much going on in his head, his thoughts were overtaking themselves, uselessly confusing him until he had sorted them out.  
It was onerous. But they got sucked away so easily by the rattling of his brain like time flew and he found himself sitting in the dusking light, the sky dawning already. He knew he should get going, there was still work left to do but his legs wouldn't move. Knowing that the movement of the body was managed by the signals from his brain, it must have been that he hadn't wanted to go back yet.  
The fresh air felt like the beginning of the night had lain a metallic blanket on his shoulders and head. It prevented him from moving. Only when the stars could have been seen already, hadn't the sky worn a cloudy dress, he found the reluctant will to go back.  
It was already evening when he returned, if not night.  
When he opened the door, Kageyama was already home, relaxing on the sofa and watching a DVD.  
"I'm back," Hinata mumbled out of habit and he got queasy when he entered the living room, wanting to cross it to go to his own room when Kageyama responded to his mumble with an equally habitual murmur.  
"Welcome back," his words were and they made Hinata stop. They were habitual, sure, but they also were genuine, they were there to bury the hatchet.  
Hinata was taken by a little surprise, not having expected the darkette to not be miffed anymore. But it made him smile a little. He changed his plans and sat down beside his annoying flatmate.  
"What're you watching?"  
His voice allowed a little interest.  
"The recordings of our matches in the Interhigh," Kageyama's voice answered and he was more relaxed, now knowing that they could move on from what had happened yesterday. Both their eyes focused on the screen of the laptop.  
The first break arrived.  
"That match was so much fun," Hinata indulged in his memories of that day. Even though they had lost half-way through the whole competition, it was still a pleasant and happy memory and it brought him much joy to remember these days with his former Senpai.  
"Even the breaks were not boring at all," Kageyama laughed a little.  
"Do you remember when you had these bad stomach aches right before our next match? Noya-san shoved a whole bar down your throat. He had thought you just were hungry because there was no reason for you to be nervous after our victory."  
"Not funny," Hinata complained and hit his arm jokingly. "I was suffocating! Because he forced me, I was choking on it. I almost died!"  
But Kageyama only laughed harder at that, the indestructible image of the orangette choking on that bar was comedy gold to him.  
"And you weren't even trying to help me!"  
But Hinata couldn't help his lips breaking into a little smile on their own, relieved that everything returned.  
"One of the best times."  
"He," Hinata laughed out loud at him. "You sound like an old man."  
"What did you say?" the bigger one reacted angered, crushing the orange cloud in his hand, although he wasn't pissed, just playing along while he couldn't help himself when he hopped on to his laughter that filled the room and eased the tense heaviness remaining from the day before.  
When it subsided then, he asked the smaller one: "Have you eaten yet?"  
"Um...no," Hinata answered from below, hesitating a bit but his reaction didn't let any time for his head to think it over. He was sprawling himself across Kageyama's lap again.  
"I have some leftovers from lunch, I'll heat them up real quick."  
He softly shoved the orangette away and stood up.  
"Ah, no, you don't have to-"  
But Kageyama was already on his way and he certainly wouldn't change that.  
He sighed small. If Kageyama was feeding him now, he couldn't refuse it. Although he wasn't really hungry. It was complicated at this point where his body and mind were splitting apart, his body reacting with retching and the feeling of having to puke while his mind wasn't able to refuse him, especially not then when the food would be right in front of him.  
It was complicated. And it left Hinata helpless.  
Who should he listen to?  
Although his desicion came to an abrupt cut when Kageyama called from the kitchen.  
"Hinata," he yelled his name.  
"Ya?" he answered but seemingly he didn't hear his reply, coming to the living room instead, in his hand the trashbag.  
Guiltily his thoughts crept in, criticising him how he could forget.  
"What are you trying to do with that?" he asked a little bit suspicious, to overplay his own, feeling at fault for something so trivial.

"Why didn't you take it out?"  
His voice was a little upset and angered.  
"I was busy," he replied without a lie but also telling as little as possible.  
"And that took the whole day, starting first thing in the morning?"  
"You do that too!"  
Hinata also got upset, raising his voice at his accusations.  
"I don't always have time for everything, you know."  
His concerns came up, one by one, more guilt filling him up.  
"Why weren't you doing it? You seemed pretty comfy being home before me!" Until they went from sorrow to anger.  
"I only had been home for a few minutes before you arrived!"  
"Why didn't you do it then? A few minutes are enough even for a dumbass like you!"  
"I was exhausted because I wasn't home the whole day!"  
"Well, I was neither!"

Huffing, they stared at each other. While in the recording, of the DVD in the background, was cheered for a scored point of the Karasuno Highschool Team, the noise zoomed out with the both of them only focused on each other, cutting away the good, happy times.  
Silence slowly drifted in while their breaths regenerated. The DVD had stopped at some point, the recording had ended.

"Can you take it out now?"

"YOU INSUFFERABLE SHITHEAD!" Hinata detonated, jumping up and storming out, to his own room, slamming his door.

Horrible feelings took hold of him again. He crawled on his bed, wrapping himself in his blanket where he stayed, hidden underneath the soft fabric. And it helped. Even though it wasn't much, it helped. This barrier of blanket was cutting a line between out there and his own little world, away from this horrible reality he didn't know how it had come to be and this small blanket hill where he could make his dreams colour the white of the fabric. Where he hadn't failed, where he hadn't stopped. Where he was happy. Where he was reaching his goals. He dreamed himself away to this wishful reality that he feared was too far away by now for him to reach, long escaped and out of his grasp.

He shared a little sadness that night, while he just waited for this longing desire to end. Waiting for another day to come, another day to arrive to remind him of the untruth of what he had dreamed of in this night, as in so many others that had already passed. But he hadn't been sleeping, his mind so reluctant to put itself to rest, too cruel would it have been for itself to be torn out of what it so desperately yearned for. But during the day it wasn't any better. Not having gotten any rest, he was tired now. His lids heavy, he buckled a lot, almost burning breakfast. Almost spilling his drink. And finally breaking a cup.  
He crouched down next to the shards but he didn't pick them up right away. Being compressed in height even more than he already was, this black, chaotic ball leaned on his round back. It made him lose his balance in the shortest of times. He managed to catch his fall but he didn't get out of it unscathed. Suddenly, but to be expected, blood was dripping from his skin.  
Of course it caught his attention but it left him just staring at the opened flesh, silently, as if he had forgotten how to speak. Astonished and startled in a way, for what reason it was slowing him down so much.  
A throbbing started to surround the bleeding, a burning accompanying it and he got up and tended to himself. He then cleaned the little space where he had broken something precious that made him feel nothing despite its importancy.  
He put away the shreds.  
And then?  
Then he waited.  
For something.  
Anything to happen before this always so indifferent air around him would hurt him again, would try to choke him again. Or maybe it was exactly that what he wanted this something to be.  
His breakfast had long gone cold when Kageyama came back.  
He didn't greet him and he didn't say a word either.  
Kageyama very well saw Hinata sitting at the dining table but he was still too pissed to do more than throw an angry gaze at his back. Although there was something odd about the way he just....existed there, as if his time had stopped. For a moment Kageyama doubted that he even was alive. But he wouldn't throw away his own feelings, regardless of this very short moment of sorrow that was his feeling very well as well. It was just too little to be fully heared by his buzzing ears, anger refilling the blood and oxygen inside him. How could a little twitch in his brain even compete with that?  
He went to ignoring the orangette and he was not considerate when he showed exactly what he was feeling towards Hinata besides when he opened the wall cupboard above the workspace, his forehead wrinklig when he couldn't find his favourite cup. He searched a bit, looking in the sink and even his room. But he came back to the kitchen empty handed.  
Hinata still sat there, unmoved. Not even his hairs seemed to have changed the way the fell across each other.  
He looked around the kitchen once more, still no sign.  
There was no other option left but to ask.  
He opened the fridge, taking out a few food items to prepare a simple dinner for himself, also taking out the moldy pack of already opened instant food.  
He opened his mouth, about to casually-pissed ask the bright mop if he had seen his cup when he finally found it, looking at him brokenly.

Kageyama snapped.  
An abrupt flood of wrath gushed towards the smaller one who just looked at the darkette as if he couldn't understand. Anything. Oh, not anything. Hinata understood the words he was saying but he didn't understand what he was saying.  
"You broke it!" he heared him scream, "This cup belonged to my grandpa! Do you even know how important-"  
But Hinata's mind disconnected itself.  
Important,  
the word resounded inside his head,  
what is that? Impo? Impor...ortant? What is the meaning of that? Is it a real word?  
It was as if he had unlearned.  
Which language is that?

"Are you even listening!?"  
A sentence that brought his mind out of this distant condition, that was thrown at him by Kageyama's enraged voice, who had noticed the missing presence in his eyes. Eyes that now looked at the dark-eyed with no change. Some part of him was still away.  
And Hinata knew why he was so furious. He could retrace where this emotion was coming from but he couldn't understand. As much as he wanted to know Kageyama's pain, as much as he wanted to be sorry honestly with feeling his guilt, he couldn't demand his own feelings from someone else.  
And for Hinata it was enough. He didn't have any energy anymore. It was as if the plug of your power cord wouldn't fit in any outlet.  
"Sorry," he said and his voice wasn't moved by much emotion either, he couldn't say that he was honestly feeling so. In fact, it was so empty that it took Kageyama aback, startled by this person he suddenly felt he didn't know, a stranger sitting in his home that barely looked like his longtime flatmate, he couldn't even call him friend or partner with the way things were.  
It was irritating, the irritation making him angry again.  
"Tch," he replied and despicable disbelieve was in his voice, "you always are."

And Hinata felt this insufferableness reaching out to him.  
He felt how he was breathing only surficially, feeling as if he was losing oxygen more than he was taking in, feeling as if he wasn't pumping air into his lungs at all, but not suffocating. He didn't feel himself breathing anymore. He knew that it was happening, the movement was there, but he didn't feel it. Not to mention if he felt himself live.  
He stood up, searching for a sign, any proof for it, in the vastness and forsakenness that arrived at his door again. And he was willingly letting them in as he didn't have the energy and strength to do it otherwise.

He carelessly left this speechless Kageyama behind, leaving for his own room where he just laid down in his bed. And the coldness that was filling this empty space didn't want to leave. And Hinata didn't want it to leave, he was scared of it as it was so much to feel all at once, but both were forced to accept the other when it was driven away, chased out of his system by the horror of this guilt of his guilty conscience.  
With every drop that was hurting like he had swallowed a thousand needles for all his faults each, he curled up, hugging himself as tight as his weakened arms were able to do. And his thoughts were carried away by the fading emptiness.

What is happy? How does it feel to be happy?

And how the space was refilled, pushing away what had been filling it before, he wanted to vanish too.  
Should he call them how so many people were using them already?  
Should he become a Johatsu too?  
But even that wouldn't help in any kind of way. The longing would not stop, the pain would not stop. The vanishing he desired was a different kind.

What an useless existence,  
his mind put the words in-between his overwhelming thoughts that grew louder and louder, making him bite his lip to keep his mouth shut, prevent it from opening even just ajar.

Ah,  
he thought, suppressing the whimper that had been about to leave his lips, although he couldn't prevent his mind from acknowledging his own pain that he wanted to forget,  
just lay me in gasoline and set me aflame.

And his tears rolled up with the ocean that had been dripped inside of him, he didn't even know why. There were so many possible reasons for it. Perhaps it was just a mixture of all of them. But in any case the actions of his distancing friend and the words of his own mind were cutting deep.  
He fell asleep in this ocean inside of him that began to colour itself red.

He awoke to another embittered day, the guilt hadn't let go of his hand through the whole night, but he couldn't apprehend his body. There was his head that slowly started to think but he didn't know how the rest of his body was lieing. With the way his head laid, he knew the position he was lieing in but he didn't feel himself. It was no sleep paralysis, he knew that he could move. But he just didn't feel himself. As if his mind and his body had dissociated, benumbed nerves that couldn't be waken up anymore.  
He felt horrible. For breaking the cup, for destroying it.  
And this guilt put even more weight on his shoulders than it already had.  
The alarm clock on his nightstand showed that it was already near midday yet he felt like after a sleepless night, although he had gotten plenty of it. Who was it trying to kid? Restful was something different. There was just this....thing pressing on him, pushing him down and making it practically impossible to stand up or even really move.

I need to apologize,  
his mind was scolding him the moment he woke up.  
I have to apologize.  
He turned, taking his phone from where it laid on his bedside table. Unlocking it, he searched up Kageyama. But he hesitated before he tipped the words.  
The way he had yelled at him yesterday, destroying that cup had put a wound on his heart. And Hinata could only imagine how fatal it was. So would he even want to read his message? Would he even spare a glance at it?

You never know until you try,  
a rare leftover of his former self surfaced, from the him before his decay.

Not all too eager he began typing, a whole paragraph about how he was sorry but it still didn't feel like he had apologized enough, he probably never would as this feeling of fault never would vanish.

'Can we reconcile?'

There was so much apology and only one sentence that was not. But this sentence was the one that scared him most or rather the answer he may or may not would get. And having to wait for it was nothing easy either.  
So he was a little surprised when his phone pinged with a notification, showing that Kageyama had answered already.

'It's your fault. You broke it. So what will you do?'

He read his words with care but his inner voice was screaming this word everytime he read it.  
It was you, you you!  
Your fault!

'I dunno...'  
He answered, fighting the clogg in his throat while he searched for a way he could make him forgive him.

'I can cook your favourite?'

For whatever reason he actually had learned the recipe for pork curry, one something of so many he had forgotten, shoved into oblivion.

'And I will take out the trash'

No answer.

'And do all of the chores for a month'

That got the darkette typing.

'Sorry, habe to go back, practices calling  
Sounds good, I'll ne back at six'

Hinata could tell that he was in a hurry and he couldn't really say that he was too, although, with his confirmation, he had to go shopping first.  
If only this day wouldn't make the air so heavy. It was as if an additional weight was pulling him downwards or rather as if gravity suddenly was more for him than the rest of the world.  
Only cumbersomely he changed clothes, took his keys and wallet and phone, locking the door and leaving. He didn't have any energy and he was dragging more than just his feet. He didn't have strength in his legs, not really. It was barely enough for walking but when he climbed up the stairs to their apartment again, now also with his groceries, it was so difficult. They felt like pudding and he was midly surprised of what he had accomplished today.

After he had come home properly, he stood in the kitchen, trying to gather energy for his muscles to properly work.  
Get yourself together. This needs to be a success,  
his thoughts were, another leftover from before. He tried to excite himself with things that had lost its importancy, their affect, the feeling of them. It was no use but the leftover from before was pretty persistent, getting him up to do what he had suggested to do. And during the process he felt a little of the heaviness fall off, working in the kitchen, as if it was therapy.

Maybe he even made too much, looking at the amount of it, a little sigh escaped him. He washed his hands and set the table. And then waiting. For the clock to run out of the last minutes to turn to six. But as he waited he began to think. There was nothing else filling his head but bad memories. Even those that weren't bad, after a few days after he had made them, they always turned. Into something horrible. And suddenly his skin itched, his legs twitched, he wanted to run, get away, break it all off but no matter how far and fast he would have run, these memories, making him want to run away, would follow him to everywhere.  
He jumped up, not able to just sit there any longer. He needed something to distract himself while the happenings crept in closer, talking to him in Kageyama's voice.

You should have taken out the trash.

It made him pause.  
Right,  
he then thought,  
the trash.

But when he looked into the bin, the bag already was replaced with an empty one.  
Guilt stung his heart again. He felt bad for it. But his time had run out anyways. It was past six already. And he sat down again, waiting for the darkette to arrive.  
Yet he didn't come.  
It made Hinata wonder. Had he suddenly decided he didn't want to reconcile?  
It was his own fault, right?  
Because it was always his fault.  
Of course it was his fault.

Right...it's mine....  
His thoughts drifted away while his weakened body dragged himself to his room. He just needed to feel the soothing comfort of his blanket.  
An hour had already passed and Hinata was wondering still, plaguing voices blaming him justifiably.

'Where are you?'

He texted Kageyama but it took him a long time to respond.

'Sorry, I totally forgot about it'

His reply set a dagger into Hinata's shrunken heart, boring deep.

'Oh'  
He typed, swallowing his tears.  
'It's okay, can happen.'

But in the world underneath his blanket, black turned into blue.  
It felt as if he was dissolving. As if his body was coming loose, long weals of liquid that formed his once fleshly shell. They desisted from him, taking him away, piece by piece. The drops of his self ran in rivulets, down the street like a river that carried his last griefbed along its current.  
And his eyes were stained with darkness.

You know,  
he thought as if he was talking to Kageyama,  
you saying you forgot about it is as if you would say you forgot about me. And you know,  
his tears broke free. There was nothing he could do about it, his thoughts continuing to put him down,  
that if you forget things, they couldn't have been of any importance.  
His breath thickened and the world under his sheets became timid.

Tell me,  
Hinata thought to himself, addressing the one who wasn't with him right now,  
we both matter, right?

It was so late already when he heared the door click, him coming home. He heared silence, Kageyama taking off his clothes, then steps that went through the flat, stopping in front of his door.  
A little knock that was followed by the opening of the door.

"Hinata?" he asked into the dark room and he took his time to answer, not knowing what to do.

"Yeah?" his mouth then decided on its own.

"Can we talk?"

And Hinata didn't sit up.

"Sure," his voice, nonetheless, sounded awake.

"I'm really sorry about today, I didn't mean to. There was an inspection of the gym so we had to finish early but a classmate needed my help with some papers. I tried to hurry but when I finally was through, I didn't want to but I fell asleep. I'm really sorry, I know to appreciate your efforts-"

Lie

His mind accused the taller one that had sat down on the edge of his bed.

"It's okay, it can happen," Hinata just repeated what he had texted him.  
And Kageyama looked at him perplexed. There was no anger in his voice nor sadness. He didn't even sound tired like he behaved. He just seemed like he had run out of battery, recharging his body.  
But it seemed strange. And Kageyama frowned while he asked in a short moment of wonderment.

"Why are you so listless?"

Why, indeed. But Hinata knew what was happening to him. He just didn't have the energy to change anything. Did he even have the will?  
He opened his mouth for a pointless reason as he knew he couldn't answer thruthfully when the other one escaped a yawn.

"Ah, nevermind. I won't discuss that with you now," Kageyama refused him before he could reply, "I'm tired." Kageyama declined the never changing debate.

"What makes you guess I'm not?" a small answer to the wrong question let him falter. "Don't you think I am too?"  
And he turned around and looked at the bigger one, sitting there together with him in the silence.  
His little loud answer surprised him, what his words were.

"Then you should go to sleep too," he replied, not so sure of his answer, if it was the right to give, so it sounded a little like a question, putting it in a way he also could have said it in an axiomatic way.  
Hinata's eyes were drawn downwards.  
"Yeah, I should do that," his voice was steady only so little. He sounded more strained, as if he was holding something back, something that he hid.  
But before he could wonder more about it, a big yawn escaped his mouth again, reminding his bones of the exhaustion he had gathered throughout the day.  
"Get some rest," he told him when he patted his shoulder while he stood up.  
And Hinata couldn't stop himself when he suddenly and quietly accused him.  
"I just wished you would be a bit more considerate. I wouldn't be as tired as I am."

He snapped.

"So this is my fault now?" he raised his voice and it was not just then that the orangette regretted what he had let slip.  
"I don't...I just-" he stuttered.  
"Oh forget it. I'm not gonna take that crap. Forget about reconciling too!"  
He stormed off and Hinata couldn't resent him for it.

"Night," he mumbled while he busted, taking his words with him.  
In an instant he had broken the fragile peace they had built up again.  
Why had he even said that, knowing it would most likely end this way?  
He knew the answer to it, the answer being a dilemma he had been facing for so long. With everyone that was involved with him.

Can't you see,  
he was asking them while he covered their eyes with his hands.

But he couldn't burden anyone with it. Because he knew what it would cause, what it would wreak.  
It had become so normal to hold back.

And there he laid again, in his own suffering misery, he wasn't prepared for another of those nights and he never would be. But he didn't know just how horrific it should become. Only when a notification let his phone buzz. Listlessly he reached for his phone, scrolling past so many messages he hadn't found the energy to reply for.

Kageyama was sitting frustrated in his own room. How was it that the orange-haired couldn't read the mood? Even he could manage to understand what to say and do and what not to.  
Kageyama remembered when he seemed so strange not too long ago. It was as if he hadn't been himself, still wasn't.  
But he was too angry at him to waste any more thoughts on him that would certainly only add fuel to the fire when a knock disrupted his silent rage.

He looked at the door, knowing it was Hinata, who else would it be? And he didn't want to see him but the repetition of his little knock made him open up, when he heared a tiny voice calling his name in a way that hurt him little but just enough.

He opened the door, standing in-between to keep him from entering.

"I'm sorry, I know you don't want to see me right now but can you please....just...." his eyes pleaded at him, standing in the door. He looked helplessly devastated, like a lost kid, his eyes red and swollen. He had been crying already before coming to him.  
"Can you hug me...please? I need to feel you right now, please Kageyama."  
Clutching his pillow tighter between his arms, crushing it against his chest, he was shivering, trembling, completely dissipated.  
"Please?" his soft voice pleaded so quietly, accompanied by a little raspness.

"No," Kageyama declined and closed the door.  
It hurt to see him like this. But it hurt less than it should have, it hurt less than it used to.

It was strange, when he awoke the next day. It was strange. There was a nice scent flowing through the air, cluttering of someone working.  
He hadn't slept much this night, his mind had refused to quiet down. And now this noise to wake him first thing in the morning? How fantastic could a day be...  
Grumpily he came to the kitchen where the source of the sounds was. He stopped in his motion at the unexpected sight, greeted with a blinding smile when Hinata noticed him too.  
"Good morning, Kageyama-kun."  
An orange ball of energy scurried through the kitchen.  
"I made breakfast, oh, and lunch for you."  
He patted the wrapped box, standing on the worktop. And Kageyama couldn't even react fast enough, a strange expression settling on his face to which Hinata just laughed at him briefly.  
"Sit down, sit down. Don't just stand there, stupid."  
Puzzled he took a seat. Mechanically he began to eat what was in front of him while Hinata took his own seat a little after him but his side wasn't set, seemingly he had eaten already as he was only sipping the liquid in his cup.  
Thank god,  
Kageyama thought at the sight of him,  
It's finally over.  
This gloomy phase he had been stuck in. He was finally back to his self, bright, happy, energetic. And a little smile settled on his own lips when he took another bite, the food seemed to taste twice as good.

Guess he took to heart what happened yesterday.  
Although it came with wonderment.  
But wasn't that too fast?  
He suddenly doubted the positivity flowing through the air. And he threw a furtive glance at the one across him.

Ah,  
he shut himself up when he saw the familiar smile still settled on his lips,  
doesn't matter.  
But the thing was, he couldn't abandon his own feelings just like that. He was still pissed at Hinata. At the same time though, he also didn't want to be the one dragging this out for any longer. He decided that he would continue to be angry only for today.  
So he left like that, mumbling a  
'I'm leaving'  
just so silently that there had been no chance for the cleaning up Hinata to hear him.  
He went to practice with a good feeling in his stomach.  
From today on things would be better again.

Hinata heared the door click, picking up the bags. He took out the trash again as it was overflowing, the bags being not really big.  
His breakfast was staring at him accusingly.  
No, he hadn't eaten already, he hadn't eaten at all.  
It had been inedible. He couldn't eat more than a tiny bite, dumping the rest into the trash. The food had been so grey and the day was so blue when he had put together that act, to fool him. He had also finally answered all his unread messages, pretending to having been busy, on this blue day.  
He finished doing the dishes, he cleaned the house. He did all the chores. He did all he had to do. And when he was done, he went to his room. Inside, he just took what he needed, his wallet with the ID, the keys but the one he wouldn't need again, the key to his heart, he left it. Everything else...he left it. The volleyball he had given to him, the little notes he had written to him. Even the things that belonged to him, the posters and books. The blankets and clothes. Everything else, he left it. Because it would just remind him. It's what he left there too....the memories. He abandoned it all. Just to finally find peace of mind.

The keys in his hand, locking the apartment. He knew that Kageyama always emptied the letterbox in the morning, even before breakfast. He wouldn't see it until tomorrow.  
He fumbled the key out the ring. With a metallic sound it hit the ground of the mailbox. But he hesitated for a moment.  
There were some thoughts speaking to him, letting him look at his hand.  
And he redrew the line, pulling it even closer to his small feet inside this tiny cage of white tape. He wanted to cut it away, he wanted to leave it all.  
Another metallic sound broke him completely free.  
But as he walked away from the resident of his dusking sky, one thing moved again inside his arid chest as it also was the resident of a lot of happiness, happiness he had wanted to last forever.  
Indeed, it could have been so. It was supposed to be a life long friendship.

To leave this behind, to leave Kageyama behind. To leave it all behind....it made him cry.

The golden boy, dipped in a sunset.  
He had been gleaming for a long time with all the light the world had been shining upon him. But now his night was dawning.  
The sun was swallowed by darkness.

Kageyama was beat when he came home, being a little surprised when he found the door locked and the lights out. Hinata was nowhere to be found.  
Must've headed out,  
he thought while he put down his bag.  
He was wondering a little but remembered how the same case had been the case not so long ago. Also, Hinata was not underage anymore. He was free to do what he wanted, when he wanted. In addition, he was too tired to raise theories. Besides his studies, practice today had had overlength because yesterday they had to finish sooner.  
It was hard, especially physically but it was what he wanted, his dream was becoming a reality with every passing day. And he was determined to reach where he was heading, he wouldn't stop until he would have reached the sky.  
He had only lost sight of what had pushed his dream this far, something that originally had been part of it.

He had thought they had all the time. But suddenly, while he tried to admit to his own mistakes, he wasn't there anymore.  
A death, that couldn't be helped.  
The reason....  
And he never got to know.

His body froze, his fingers lost grip, the phone hitting the floor. His ears rang with the terrifying storm of a destroying silence, nausea in his throat.  
The voice at the other end of his phone said something.  
His lungs were breathing something.  
His heart was doing something.  
But his head...inside his head a deathly silence had silenced every possible noise.  
And his legs carried him to somewhere.  
As if he was unsure, believing it to be a dream, he opened the door quietly. But the room was abandoned. Abandoned like no one had even entered here. The waft of Hinata's scent met him, engulfing him. It smelled stronger than he remembered. He took a step inside, watching all his things as if they would move, as if he would find him there to jump him. But it was so dead silent that the silence even was too loud. He traced the things, laying around scattered like the storm the smaller one was. Posters from sports magazines were plastering the walls, the journals he had collected, DVDs of past matches, wherever he looked, volleyball was the only thing greeting his eyes, his passion, his love.  
His body stopped at a sphere, a ball he so well knew.  
A guileless smile carelessly appeared on his lips that were too cold for him to notice, too cold for him to notice the grief in it. How many times had Hinata received it with his head while he had tossed to him, how many times had that even been?  
He remembered the day he had given it to him, freshly graduated from Karasuno, they had sat in the grass at the river. He had bought popsickles and when he had returned, he had greeted him, having heared his approaching steps, with a smile that had been competing with the sunset he hadn't been facing anymore, brilliant like their dreams of the future. It was so innocent.  
It was what broke the reality through to the thick wall of a sudden deafness, of his senses being paralyzed.  
And the terror curled up inside his chest. He clutched the ball, gritted his teeth, pinched his eyes. Had he let it loose, he would have screamed at the top of his lungs. Why did he suppress it? Because Hinata had done the same? Suppress everything? Had he supressed his passion too, the love to this sport?  
This room could have belonged to everyone. But only this ball that sat by his side for as long as Kageyama could remember, made this room belong to Hinata. It was the only trace to prove he had been here.  
And he didn't hear his own heart beat.

Indeed, it could have been so. It was supposed to be a life long friendship. And it was....until one of them died.

It seemed like not enough time when the funeral was held so early. But how could one ever prepare themself for that?

And when that day came, the whole town seemed to have come together, streets full of slowly moving bodies, side by side they were moving along the street. A whole parade dressed in black. Flowing down the road like a river's current. There was just one solitary light drifting afloat the surface. The light they were seeing off. The light that lonely would shine until they would lend it the part of their souls that he had touched in his life.  
All who had gathered. Everyone without leaving one out, he had impregnated them, engraved himself in them, he had touch every single one. He had left a mark in them, to prove that he had existed.

And Kageyama was only one of so many. He was following his mother, following his sister but he couldn't look at her. Too much did she resemble her brother.  
There were some more familiar faces, connections that had held through many years.  
But he couldn't look at them either. And he couldn't even look down the hole. He couldn't see where he was decaying with the last that still remained here.  
He refused to believe it.  
So he closed his eyes when he took his farewell that was so quiet, so quiet when his mind was not saying a thing.  
He stood by those who had already bid their farewells but he distanced himself from those who hadn't seen him in his last days. He couldn't have anyone talking to him now. He wouldn't be able to answer.  
But Sugawara was there with him, concerned for his former Kouhai, he was so considerate and careful to not say anything hurtful that Kageyama wished he would just be merciless and harsh.

"You didn't see him," it suddenly came out his mouth, not able to stop himself. What he had seen during Hinata's last days, he told the light-haired everything he had witnessed. And Sugawara wasn't mad that he was informal.

"I didn't report his disappearance because he had left everything behind. It was strange and so fast when he seemingly was over it in the morning but we had fought nonetheless. And when I had left, he vanished. I had thought that he just needed the distance and that he would come back. And then....the call came in.....It happened...so quietly...."

"There's a limit to how much someone can take," his voice was soft, if not gentle but the pain of this loss was still clearly there.  
And he was not wrong.  
Every human had a limit. And while Hinata had seemed like the only person who hadn't have one, no one knew how close he actually had been to this line. There had been signs, they all could have noticed, he could have noticed, out of all people he should have noticed. But the moment Hinata had overstepped that line, there had been no chance of recognizing them as he had understood that he was too small to be noticed. So he had regulated these signs, he had hid them, he had erased them, prevented them from showing. When he had crossed the line he never should have crossed, he went back to his usual self. It had seemed as if it had been over, this somber phase of his.  
And especially he should have noticed. For how long had they been partners? They knew all these little things about each other, they knew how to read the other, they could detect things even before they happened sometimes.  
Where had that gone to? Where had it left to? If it had been there still, he could have noticed but without it....like this....  
He had left without a warning.  
No,  
Kageyama thought to himself, standing there in his suit. The memories were so clear, his smile was still so vividly alive inside his head, he still shone like the light he had been. And he was thinking about it, from when they had met the first time to the last time he had seen him alive.

No,  
he thought and he got terrified when he realized his own fault.  
There had been so many warnings.  
The air around his head got thin, it refused to fill his lungs. Erratically he gasped for air, people around him turning, he gripped his chest tight with the flooding pain.  
I only didn't realise them,  
his last thoughts were as he was overwhelmed.

And he opened his eyes to the sight of himself. He was throwing everything down what had belonged to Hinata, Hinata who stood beside him, talking in this dubbed voice, his true sound out of reach, no, it sounded like a broken audio.

"You threw me away. So now, are you proud of it already?"

And the sea at their feet disintegrated it all. The acid ate it all up. And he just stood there and watched. And he did do nothing. He wasn't even trying.

In the end he left this nightmare that only so briefly showed what he had actually been doing, labeling it as 'living his dream', that he had done the final blow in that one night, locking the last chain to his necklace.

And only now he thought of things he should have said, things he should have held close.  
Then catch up!  
he should have said,  
I'm still waiting, you know.

But having forgotten his actual dream, he had also forgotten how to remind Hinata of catching up.  
His goal to play with him, to stand on the same court with him, he had lost sight of it a long time ago.  
So he also hadn't noticed these changes that had heralded his decay.

When had he stopped asking him?

Kageyama-kun, toss to me, toss to me,  
his voice resounded in his head but it wasn't his voice. It were the mere words he saw forming on blurry lips.  
He couldn't remember him at all.  
Or was it that he was forgetting?

His throat was so dry, perhaps due to all the toxic acidic vapours he had breathed in for so long.  
Swaying unsteadily on his feet, his legs carried him to the kitchen but every step was another shot to his heart, where memories lingered everywhere.  
He just wanted to drink, he just wanted a glass of water. But achieving that was already hard enough.  
A tired arm reached for the hanging board, opening it. He took out a random cup. His hands were wondering when the surface was uneven and not smooth. He didn't know what he held until his eyes could see. See what Hinata had repaired, knowing of his own guilt that was his and his alone. 

He bit his lips when his eyes couldn't hold in what his mouth barely had under control. Tears spilled with his never heared screams, knowing he also was to blame for having taken that light away.  
But in the end it had been Hinata's own feelings that had been the end of him.  
It was only on this day when he found the keys underneath so many envelopes. And he suddenly couldn't be inside this howling silence any longer, there was just too little noise, nothing that Hinata's bright nature would have endured.  
He went to where he could hear.

And honestly. Kageyama had been on a good way, to reach the world above his head. But right now, when he put his head into his neck, staring up to the clouds, it seemed useless, pointless and futile. It was so very out of reach.  
The sky never seemed farer away.

"I don't wish I'd never met you. But I wish that this had never happened. There's so much I regret....... Why'd you go?"

I just wanted to stand on the court with you,  
the gentle breeze carried along a hushed whisper.

"I'm sorry!" he pleaded to this delusion of an answer from someone who would never speak again.  
"I forgot," he admitted to have let slip their promise into oblivion.  
And he heared the wind whisper,  
You surely are

His scent, his breath, his eyes and his hair. His voice too. And the way he had been. They were disappearing. He was forgetting his traces, he was forgetting his proof. He was forgetting. His best friend and his partner. There was only a space that remained, a space he couldn't refill again. Even when he went to his grave again he couldn't fill it up. He couldn't trust his memories, not even being able to recall his face. When he looked at photos, his face was strangely blurry, prosopagnosia blinding his eyes but only with him. It was as if his mind wanted him to forget, telling him to give up trying to recall him. But he could not let himself have it this way when he begged and pleaded to his own reason,  
Please. Don't erase everything.  
And his reason granted him his wish when it let a recomposed memory be the final rememberance of his own. It was not complete, just a little part of it being fixed, he just remembered that one.  
That one from the night he had left.  
When he had told him about what he had been facing for so long. But Kageyama had decided to turn deaf to him. And now he was feeling the result from his mistakes, the irony couldn't be any crueler to him.  
When it told him what he had said in response to the beginning of Hinata's struggles, when he had told him how he had lost something precious.  
And his thoughts transformed into that what he hadn't hesitated to put out into the world.

Whatever you lost, you never held on to it.


End file.
